Big Hair & Tutu's

I spent the better part of this morning making a tutu for Princess Chloe's photo shoot on Thursday. She is going to look adorable. I posted a picture of the finished product. However, I am going to research it and make another larger one for future dress up sessions. She is such a girlie girl. I brought her a pink fairy costume and she loved it. She was carrying it around and talking to it.

I have had a few down days but I am working hard to not let it get to me. Today I was playing with my hair and ended up with big hair. Flashback to the 80's! I wore it like that all day and no one said a word. I liked it.

That's all for today folks!

Confessions Of A Control Freak

I admit I am a control freak. That I need to control every situation. It is weird and I really hate it.

Yesterday I was thinking about a friendship that had really suffered in the past year and a half. I miss that friend. I realized that part of the reason for the break down of the friendship is she was not being the person I thought she should be. I was angry and upset that she was lying to her family, that she doesn't spend enough time with her kids and that she was turning into someone I don't know. Truth be told she has always been a social butterfly and has the need for lots of people surrounding her. While I still think she lacks with parenting skills I do believe it was what she learned from her family life growing up. She really knows no better. With the lying to her family - it is essentially their family make up - it is how they make it through. Strange, I know but in the end it is HER life not mine and as she makes her bed she must lie in it when things blow up in her face.

I sent her a message via facebook and told her that I was sorry for things and that I loved her and missed her. She responded with the same feelings so a bbq is planned for the weekend.

I realized that I don't want to be talked about and judged so why do I feel I can do it? Even at 41 I am still growing up.

Goals

The top picture is my GOAL dress. I got it for my birthday, I absolutely love it! Except even though it is a size 18 it is more like a size 16. I need to lose 2 sizes to fit into it.

I plan on losing weight however, I don't want to say how much I weigh (self-esteem issues). So, I just know that I want to get down to a size 13 from a size 20-22.

Today is start day! Healthy living for me. I plan on walking to work each day and bringing a good healthy lunch to my husband too.

I hate pictures of myself but I decided to post one. It will be a kind of like a before picture. Quite honestly I am too embarrassed to post a full body shot. My body is not something I am proud of. Ok, except my boobs. I love them...;)

Freeing Friday

This is the third Friday in a row that I have done this. While the freeing doesn't always go away, it does help some!

Today I am going to try and free anxieties I have about sex. I stress myself out so bad that it turns an intimate time into something different. I crack jokes and talk endlessly. Romantic? Not at all. I have no reason to be stressed I have been with hubby for 17 years. I believe it is how I perceive my body. Although I am working on letting it all go these things tend to leak back in at times.

I am lucky that my hubby is patient and understanding or there would be serious trouble.

Anyways, that is today's freeing moment.

Do you need to let something go?

Mondays...UG

I don't know why but I have pretty much always hated Mondays. Today was no exception. I woke up later then planned. Lost my dog who is essentially my baby. Had a yucky dinner. Fought with my sewing machine.

I need a rock to crawl under and sleep for a week.

Two good notes though I have a customer coming tomorrow to pick up a dress I made for her. Yahoo! A little extra dough for me.

And I have a new customer who is coming on the weekend to pick something out.

Can't wait to see what crap tomorrow brings me.

Freeing Friday

I have been trying to post something all week but I have felt kind of negative the past few days. I wanted to wait until I felt better and more upbeat.

Today is freeing Friday and I have decided to get rid of all the negative catty feelings I have for an ex-friend. She used to be someone I could count on, trust and spend hours on end with. In the past year or so she has changed and I can no longer be around her. Every chance she gets she puts me down in some way. I don't need that in my life. I already battle with myself enough. I have found myself being catty about her and borderline mean which I think is a defense I have because I am hurt by how much she has changed. And I am hurt because she has pushed me away.

Today I am letting it go. I will remember our friendship fondly and leave it at that.

Any thing you want to free?

Freeing Friday

I have dubbed Fridays my freeing days in which I free things in myself. Today it is about self confidence. I lack it. I don't like myself sometimes. And I wish that I looked different sometimes. I have never thought I was pretty. I used to get called names in school and bully's called me ugly multiple times a day. That reeks havoc on a person.

People always say how much my daughter and I look a like. That maybe so. I think she is beautiful. But I don't see that in myself.

Today I am freeing the "you are ugly" from my vocabulary. I am 41 years old and it has gone on long enough.

Is there anything you want to free?

~hugs~
Wanda

My Make Up

There are little quirks we all have. I have a few but the ones that pull at me are my shyness and my low self esteem. To some of you I am not shy. But I truly am. I have canceled plans because I am scared or nervous. I don't go out a lot because I am afraid of what others will think. I hate these things and I am working them out slowly. Some times it helps to have someone or a team of someone's in your corner.

But for my friends who have reached out and pulled me in...thank you.

For the one who reached out to me again after some time - I love being your friend and I love how I feel so at ease with you. I look up to you because your calmness soothes me, your patience inspires me and just who you are makes you my role model. When I am "spazzing out" you ground me. I am so grateful that you pulled me in especially when I really needed someone.

For the one who is shy like me but doesn't show it to me at all. For all your encouragement and cheering me on I thank you. You are an ego booster.

For the friend I don't see very often- you make me feel good with your compliments. You are such a great person I don't think you even realize it. Even though I don't talk to you every day, every week - maybe once a month you know it's just like yesterday we spoke. And the things you have done to make me feel good about myself has not gone un-noticed. I hope to give you that in return.

For the friend who makes me laugh. Sometimes a good giggle is all I need. Just that is enough to cement our friendship.

For the friends who have re entered my life after some time. I have missed you. Even though I don't say it I am glad you are back in my life.

For the new friends who have come along recently - thanks for helping get me out of my shell.

To all of you - thank you for hanging in through my shyness, moods and all that comes with me.

Over And Over

I have restarted my blog over and over the last few months trying to find "me". In doing this I have learned that "me" is a bit of everything I have created. There will be posts about my past because that is what has molded me into what I am today. I love to laugh and have fun making others laugh.

Even at the age of 41 I am still learning how to pick my friends. There are some I need to leave behind but it is hard because I remember who they once were to me. But those days are over and it's time to move on.

I am jumping outside my box of shyness and actually reaching out to people. I've started a little group for women to get together once an month and meet new people. This Saturday is the first one and I am very excited!

The past year has brought a lot of new and exciting things for me. I have learned how I am as a clothing designer and where I want to go. While I love sewing for everyone my niche leans towards plus size women. Probably because I am plus size. My self esteem takes beatings every once in a while over that but I am trying to get over it. I know what I need to do and I know I need will power (I am a junk food addict...:(). I need the same willpower I used when I quit smoking, that was 1 1/2 years ago. I call myself a smoker still I just haven't had a smoke in 18 months.

I love movies so you will see reviews here. I do watch all different types of movies so it won't just be one genre.

I look forward to getting back into the groove of it all. I hope to see some old friends and make some new ones here.

Take care
Wanda

Introducing....She Used To Be Me

She At Ages 5 Thru 13 – Low self esteem, bullied on a daily basis, very sensitive, insecure in the love of her parents, not very many friends, shy, very skinny

She At Ages 13 And A Half 18 and 364 Days – A fun loving, carefree girl who loved life, loved to laugh, hopeless romantic, sensitive, patient, caring, future world traveling journalist, very skinny still, insecure sometimes.

She From Ages 19 To 23 And One Third – On the road to self destruction, low self esteem, in a bad marriage, slowly gaining weight and not caring, not caring about anything except her *Miracles*.

She From Ages 23 And One Third Until 40 And 364 Days – Learning to love her self, married to the love of her life, has a and loves her family very much, is secure in her parents, children's and husband's love (most days), diagnosed with Depression at 29 years old, fighting to overcome depression, overweight (according to the BMI – morbidly), low self esteem, creative, compassionate, a little lost at times.

Me Since February 20th, 2010 – A new outlook on life, acknowledging I will fight depression, self esteem and weight issues for a lot more years. BUT knowing I will fight and win out. It is time for ME to shine, time for ME to love myself, time for ME to work this shit out.


You will notice this is going to be written in fractions of time. There will be flashbacks so as to explain how I got to where I was. And how I am working to change. How I want to truly BE ME.

I am writing this as a healing journey for myself. This is in essence my self-discovery. I will be sharing intimate details of my life – some good – some not so good.

But this is for me. While I like feedback I do not like nastiness. I already have self esteem issues without someone from the peanut gallery dishing out the bad stuff. That being said I do welcome comments, questions, ideas, and compliments will warrant a mention on the blog – of course!

Tomorrow we begin the journey of healing and self discovery.