Freeing Friday

This week is not quite as easy as past weeks. While those things are issues I deal with daily and combat pretty well this weeks' is a constant battle.

I need to free my depression. This past 3 days have not been so great. While I only felt I was drowning one day out of the three I still feel the ripples of it. Even today is slightly there waiting for a weak moment.

I am going to work on freeing that. I can't afford to let it near.

Yesterday - Me Turned Into She

It is really no big surprise that I have depression. I have a friend who used to say she "suffers depression" - whatever. We are not southern belles prone to fainting spells for crying out loud. While I may have depression I work hard every day to feel good. I make sure I do my hair and make up every day. Take my meds like I am supposed to and stay away from triggers that will set me back.

Yesterday, I reverted into sadness for the better part of the day into the early evening. Then I began doing some repairs on some pants and it lifted. I think I was so sad yesterday because there is a lot of death around me. Not in my life but in people around me and I found myself feeling grief for them. I have a friend tell me it is because I am an artist and they are more sensitive. I know I am more sensitive. I always have been. The thing about yesterday is that I went low so very fast and it scared me. I hate feeling like that. I felt like I was reverting back to who I used to be. I have learned in the past few months to be more confident in myself and my talents. I have even went as far to remove people from my life who are negative and bring me down. I have discovered doing something I love helped me feel much much better. I plan on doing that more often.

Today I woke up feeling fabulous. It was just what I was wishing for.

Goals

The top picture is my GOAL dress. I got it for my birthday, I absolutely love it! Except even though it is a size 18 it is more like a size 16. I need to lose 2 sizes to fit into it.

I plan on losing weight however, I don't want to say how much I weigh (self-esteem issues). So, I just know that I want to get down to a size 13 from a size 20-22.

Today is start day! Healthy living for me. I plan on walking to work each day and bringing a good healthy lunch to my husband too.

I hate pictures of myself but I decided to post one. It will be a kind of like a before picture. Quite honestly I am too embarrassed to post a full body shot. My body is not something I am proud of. Ok, except my boobs. I love them...;)

Freeing Friday

This is the third Friday in a row that I have done this. While the freeing doesn't always go away, it does help some!

Today I am going to try and free anxieties I have about sex. I stress myself out so bad that it turns an intimate time into something different. I crack jokes and talk endlessly. Romantic? Not at all. I have no reason to be stressed I have been with hubby for 17 years. I believe it is how I perceive my body. Although I am working on letting it all go these things tend to leak back in at times.

I am lucky that my hubby is patient and understanding or there would be serious trouble.

Anyways, that is today's freeing moment.

Do you need to let something go?

In The Studio

I have been working on some fancy underwear for plus size girls. I love them. I wear them and they are not only gorgeous they are comfortable.

I am trying to work up the courage to put them on ETSY. I have a store there just have never posted anything because of fear I guess. I worry of failure. This sewing is MY thing and I do it well. But what if someone says something? It crushes me totally. I hate that I lack the self-confidence in myself and my talents. I am trying to get over it but it's a long process really.

On a good note though, I sold a dress earlier this week and I have someone coming on the weekend to try on the few I have here. Hope it goes well. They are for a semi formal.

Freeing Friday

I have been trying to post something all week but I have felt kind of negative the past few days. I wanted to wait until I felt better and more upbeat.

Today is freeing Friday and I have decided to get rid of all the negative catty feelings I have for an ex-friend. She used to be someone I could count on, trust and spend hours on end with. In the past year or so she has changed and I can no longer be around her. Every chance she gets she puts me down in some way. I don't need that in my life. I already battle with myself enough. I have found myself being catty about her and borderline mean which I think is a defense I have because I am hurt by how much she has changed. And I am hurt because she has pushed me away.

Today I am letting it go. I will remember our friendship fondly and leave it at that.

Any thing you want to free?

Freeing Friday

I have dubbed Fridays my freeing days in which I free things in myself. Today it is about self confidence. I lack it. I don't like myself sometimes. And I wish that I looked different sometimes. I have never thought I was pretty. I used to get called names in school and bully's called me ugly multiple times a day. That reeks havoc on a person.

People always say how much my daughter and I look a like. That maybe so. I think she is beautiful. But I don't see that in myself.

Today I am freeing the "you are ugly" from my vocabulary. I am 41 years old and it has gone on long enough.

Is there anything you want to free?

~hugs~
Wanda

My Make Up

There are little quirks we all have. I have a few but the ones that pull at me are my shyness and my low self esteem. To some of you I am not shy. But I truly am. I have canceled plans because I am scared or nervous. I don't go out a lot because I am afraid of what others will think. I hate these things and I am working them out slowly. Some times it helps to have someone or a team of someone's in your corner.

But for my friends who have reached out and pulled me in...thank you.

For the one who reached out to me again after some time - I love being your friend and I love how I feel so at ease with you. I look up to you because your calmness soothes me, your patience inspires me and just who you are makes you my role model. When I am "spazzing out" you ground me. I am so grateful that you pulled me in especially when I really needed someone.

For the one who is shy like me but doesn't show it to me at all. For all your encouragement and cheering me on I thank you. You are an ego booster.

For the friend I don't see very often- you make me feel good with your compliments. You are such a great person I don't think you even realize it. Even though I don't talk to you every day, every week - maybe once a month you know it's just like yesterday we spoke. And the things you have done to make me feel good about myself has not gone un-noticed. I hope to give you that in return.

For the friend who makes me laugh. Sometimes a good giggle is all I need. Just that is enough to cement our friendship.

For the friends who have re entered my life after some time. I have missed you. Even though I don't say it I am glad you are back in my life.

For the new friends who have come along recently - thanks for helping get me out of my shell.

To all of you - thank you for hanging in through my shyness, moods and all that comes with me.

Introducing....She Used To Be Me

She At Ages 5 Thru 13 – Low self esteem, bullied on a daily basis, very sensitive, insecure in the love of her parents, not very many friends, shy, very skinny

She At Ages 13 And A Half 18 and 364 Days – A fun loving, carefree girl who loved life, loved to laugh, hopeless romantic, sensitive, patient, caring, future world traveling journalist, very skinny still, insecure sometimes.

She From Ages 19 To 23 And One Third – On the road to self destruction, low self esteem, in a bad marriage, slowly gaining weight and not caring, not caring about anything except her *Miracles*.

She From Ages 23 And One Third Until 40 And 364 Days – Learning to love her self, married to the love of her life, has a and loves her family very much, is secure in her parents, children's and husband's love (most days), diagnosed with Depression at 29 years old, fighting to overcome depression, overweight (according to the BMI – morbidly), low self esteem, creative, compassionate, a little lost at times.

Me Since February 20th, 2010 – A new outlook on life, acknowledging I will fight depression, self esteem and weight issues for a lot more years. BUT knowing I will fight and win out. It is time for ME to shine, time for ME to love myself, time for ME to work this shit out.


You will notice this is going to be written in fractions of time. There will be flashbacks so as to explain how I got to where I was. And how I am working to change. How I want to truly BE ME.

I am writing this as a healing journey for myself. This is in essence my self-discovery. I will be sharing intimate details of my life – some good – some not so good.

But this is for me. While I like feedback I do not like nastiness. I already have self esteem issues without someone from the peanut gallery dishing out the bad stuff. That being said I do welcome comments, questions, ideas, and compliments will warrant a mention on the blog – of course!

Tomorrow we begin the journey of healing and self discovery.