Pushing Myself

Since May 20, 2010 I have been changing my life for my health and my family's health. We have changed the way we eat. Changed the way we think about food. Learned to count calories. Started exercising. All in all worked out butts off.

I do know it is working for me. I have lost 35 lbs so far. You can see some differences in the photo above. I am darned proud of myself. I have set a goal to lose 100 lbs total. Which means 65 more lbs to go.

I decided when I lose 25 more lbs I am going to get my belly button pierced. Why, you may ask? I think it is so pretty and sexy. I don't mean that I am going to go around with belly shirts (ewwwwww)I just think for myself and my hubby it is beautiful.

I know I don't post as often as I should here I will attempt to change that.

It's Been Uphill

For the last 10 weeks or so I have radically changed the way I live my life. I am on the road to healthier living and weight loss.

While I have surprisingly enjoyed it and have adapted well there are still things I want, crave. Chips....mmmmmmmmmmmm. I can admit I was addicted to junk food for a long time, more than a decade actually.

I am proud to say that I have lost 27 lbs and dropped 3 pant sizes and 2 shirt sizes. I am amazed. That is what keeps me going. Well, that and the GUESS jeans I promised myself when I meet my goal which I figure will be around May 2011.

Working It Out

Sometimes I find it hard to follow through with my goals. Not because I can't do them but because fear of failure sets in. And then some time later in my life I hear the words in my head "I should have....". It scares me because I want my design business to take off. I don't mean I want to be worldwide, I just want to do stuff locally for a while and think big later.

I wish I had more confidence in myself and could guide myself on the right path.

With my new goals I am going to push myself harder than I ever have before. I've been offered a phenomenal chance to be taught by a professional tailor and I know I can gain so much from it. I've decided I will contact him this week and see when we can arrange a time for my first lesson.

That will take a lot right the but I will do it.

He Makes Me Proud

For a few years I went through a phase where I almost couldn't be in the same room as my middle boy as we would bicker and I hated it. I missed my happy go lucky boy, I missed the kid that lived for sports and bike riding, I just plain missed my kid.

This was MY boy.

When my ex and I separated he was just about 5 months old and I got to enjoy him alone without an interference. I cried his first day of school even though 3 went before him and 1 after. Even through issues with his dad begging him to move in with him, he still stayed with me. Even when they tried to pretty much brain wash him into leaving and going there, he stayed. He loves his step dad a lot and I think that played a factor in him staying.

This past 3 months has been full of trials and tribulations for our family. My husband, literally our family's universe,had 2 strokes. When he was told he couldn't work we worried about money. This man-boy stepped up got a full time job and helped pay the bills. He does without to give to us.

Today, he bought a car because ours died four months ago and the money is just not there. He says it is OUR car. When I try to say I will give him money towards it, he refuses. I will pay half the insurance however. There are no ,ifs ands or buts about it.

But still he makes my heart swell with pride. I can't believe the man he is becoming. I can't believe the love.

But I do know - this it my BOY.

Love you J with all my heart -you will never know how much this has meant to us. ~Love Mom

One Year Plan

Last year in August I set goals for the upcoming year. I knew I wanted to get my business up and running. I wanted to launch my clothing line locally. I wanted to have an awesome fashion show. I wanted to promote my fledgling business.

None of that really happened and it upsets me.

While there are a few things that are beyond my control. other things I could have went ahead with and NOT procrastinated for months on end. I made excuses as to why I couldn't succeed.

And you know what?

I am tired of the bullshit. Tired of not believing in myself.

I can do this. I will do this in the up coming year AND I am adding in one more goal - To have 3 permanent clients in my alteration side of business.

Given I've been thrown for a few loops I am still here looking up and standing tall and that's all I need.

~Necessity is the mother of invention.~

Playing Catch Up

You may be wondering where I've been...I will catch you all up as best I can. Above is a picture of the Canadian Kitchen Queens. I got this idea from Tara over at Jimmy Choos and Tennis Shoes. This was our second event and we had a blast! It's so nice to have a group of ladies get together and eat, laugh and share life experiences! I can't wait for next months - it is our Summer Lovin' BBQ.


~~~~~~~~~~~

On another more scary and sad note a week ago yesterday my hubby had a t i a(mini stroke) that had the kids and I calling 911, holding him down and waiting for the ambulance. It was the scariest 20 minutes of our lives (it took that long for him to be himself again) but a severe headache and other symptoms prompted the ER doctor to call it a t i a and admit him. He stayed in the hospital from then until Saturday morning. While there he quit smoking, we were educated HUGE on diabetes, stroke, blood pressure and chloesteral. We have changed our how eating style and it has bee quite ok. He misses his Pepsi but we have comprimised he can have a 1/2 can IF he exercises which he does. We bought bikes and have been bike riding. I have discovered muscles I haven't used in a long long time.

Anyhow, that's it for now. I just noticed the time and it is time to get ready for work and make lunches.

My Bad

I just realized it is Thursday and I forgot last weeks Freeing Friday. Well, I guess you will have to wait until tomorrow to see what I am freeing.

I had one of "those" weeks. The kind I dread. I know that three days this week I looked like crap which in turn made me feel like crap. It is true a little make up and hair done does wonder to the mental state. I was never much of a make up person but even the basics make me feel good. But enough of that on to some good.

Ms. K and Princess Chloe won a photo shoot and they are such beautiful girls! That is them up above. Aren't they beautiful?

I won't be spending Saturday night with my girl because our Kitchen Queens girls meet. I cannot wait. I need this night to regroup and have some girl talk.

Plus my Mom is coming for the night and I love spending time with her. It took a long time for that to happen. While I wish we had this relationship my whole life I completely relish in what we have. You can't change that past but the future is a different story. Besides, my Mom is pretty cool and I like being with her.

I know this was a mish mash of everything but it's Thursday and it's what I got!

Big Hair & Tutu's

I spent the better part of this morning making a tutu for Princess Chloe's photo shoot on Thursday. She is going to look adorable. I posted a picture of the finished product. However, I am going to research it and make another larger one for future dress up sessions. She is such a girlie girl. I brought her a pink fairy costume and she loved it. She was carrying it around and talking to it.

I have had a few down days but I am working hard to not let it get to me. Today I was playing with my hair and ended up with big hair. Flashback to the 80's! I wore it like that all day and no one said a word. I liked it.

That's all for today folks!

Little Labors Of Love

When I was a little girl my parents bought this little table and chair set. Through the years it has been used numerous times as the "kids" table at my Mom's house to my cousins, my own kids and now for my Grand daughter Princess Chloe. A few weeks ago my parents brought it to my house so I can start the traditions here. My daughter Ms.K really wanted my set brought to her house. I squashed that idea rather quick.

Friday evening my husband and I were resale shopping and I found a small table and chair set. Vintage! For $3.99. But it needed work so my youngest son S-Man and I got to work last night and got 'er dun!

There are before and after pics and it looks so great! I can't wait to bring it over tomorrow night. Princess Chloe is going to love it!

Freeing Friday

This week is not quite as easy as past weeks. While those things are issues I deal with daily and combat pretty well this weeks' is a constant battle.

I need to free my depression. This past 3 days have not been so great. While I only felt I was drowning one day out of the three I still feel the ripples of it. Even today is slightly there waiting for a weak moment.

I am going to work on freeing that. I can't afford to let it near.

Yesterday - Me Turned Into She

It is really no big surprise that I have depression. I have a friend who used to say she "suffers depression" - whatever. We are not southern belles prone to fainting spells for crying out loud. While I may have depression I work hard every day to feel good. I make sure I do my hair and make up every day. Take my meds like I am supposed to and stay away from triggers that will set me back.

Yesterday, I reverted into sadness for the better part of the day into the early evening. Then I began doing some repairs on some pants and it lifted. I think I was so sad yesterday because there is a lot of death around me. Not in my life but in people around me and I found myself feeling grief for them. I have a friend tell me it is because I am an artist and they are more sensitive. I know I am more sensitive. I always have been. The thing about yesterday is that I went low so very fast and it scared me. I hate feeling like that. I felt like I was reverting back to who I used to be. I have learned in the past few months to be more confident in myself and my talents. I have even went as far to remove people from my life who are negative and bring me down. I have discovered doing something I love helped me feel much much better. I plan on doing that more often.

Today I woke up feeling fabulous. It was just what I was wishing for.

Confessions Of A Control Freak

I admit I am a control freak. That I need to control every situation. It is weird and I really hate it.

Yesterday I was thinking about a friendship that had really suffered in the past year and a half. I miss that friend. I realized that part of the reason for the break down of the friendship is she was not being the person I thought she should be. I was angry and upset that she was lying to her family, that she doesn't spend enough time with her kids and that she was turning into someone I don't know. Truth be told she has always been a social butterfly and has the need for lots of people surrounding her. While I still think she lacks with parenting skills I do believe it was what she learned from her family life growing up. She really knows no better. With the lying to her family - it is essentially their family make up - it is how they make it through. Strange, I know but in the end it is HER life not mine and as she makes her bed she must lie in it when things blow up in her face.

I sent her a message via facebook and told her that I was sorry for things and that I loved her and missed her. She responded with the same feelings so a bbq is planned for the weekend.

I realized that I don't want to be talked about and judged so why do I feel I can do it? Even at 41 I am still growing up.

Goals

The top picture is my GOAL dress. I got it for my birthday, I absolutely love it! Except even though it is a size 18 it is more like a size 16. I need to lose 2 sizes to fit into it.

I plan on losing weight however, I don't want to say how much I weigh (self-esteem issues). So, I just know that I want to get down to a size 13 from a size 20-22.

Today is start day! Healthy living for me. I plan on walking to work each day and bringing a good healthy lunch to my husband too.

I hate pictures of myself but I decided to post one. It will be a kind of like a before picture. Quite honestly I am too embarrassed to post a full body shot. My body is not something I am proud of. Ok, except my boobs. I love them...;)

Dazzling Up The Old

This afternoon I saved a old ring I found at a resale shop here in town. The jewels had all been taken off and there was something about it I liked. I had found a broach with faux pearls and diamonds that was very unbecoming there too. I decided to blend the 2. The outcome was beautiful. I love old jewellery. In fact, I love most jewellery.

I have posted a picture of the finished product. I had one of the before but the pics on my camera got erased so I guess only the "after" will have to do.

Yeehaw!

So that dress in my last post? I have to make another in purple so that a young lady can wear it to her PROM!

That makes TWO sales for me.

Woohoo!

Uh huh uh huh!

GO ME!!!!!

Freeing Friday

This is the third Friday in a row that I have done this. While the freeing doesn't always go away, it does help some!

Today I am going to try and free anxieties I have about sex. I stress myself out so bad that it turns an intimate time into something different. I crack jokes and talk endlessly. Romantic? Not at all. I have no reason to be stressed I have been with hubby for 17 years. I believe it is how I perceive my body. Although I am working on letting it all go these things tend to leak back in at times.

I am lucky that my hubby is patient and understanding or there would be serious trouble.

Anyways, that is today's freeing moment.

Do you need to let something go?

In The Studio

I have been working on some fancy underwear for plus size girls. I love them. I wear them and they are not only gorgeous they are comfortable.

I am trying to work up the courage to put them on ETSY. I have a store there just have never posted anything because of fear I guess. I worry of failure. This sewing is MY thing and I do it well. But what if someone says something? It crushes me totally. I hate that I lack the self-confidence in myself and my talents. I am trying to get over it but it's a long process really.

On a good note though, I sold a dress earlier this week and I have someone coming on the weekend to try on the few I have here. Hope it goes well. They are for a semi formal.

Mondays...UG

I don't know why but I have pretty much always hated Mondays. Today was no exception. I woke up later then planned. Lost my dog who is essentially my baby. Had a yucky dinner. Fought with my sewing machine.

I need a rock to crawl under and sleep for a week.

Two good notes though I have a customer coming tomorrow to pick up a dress I made for her. Yahoo! A little extra dough for me.

And I have a new customer who is coming on the weekend to pick something out.

Can't wait to see what crap tomorrow brings me.

Creating

This weekend was about creating for me. As per usual I spent Saturday with my princess (granddaughter) and we had fun! I gave her the box of jewelery I have been saving for her and she had a lot of fun with it.

I made her a Princess Wreath to go in her very pink, very girlie bedroom. And she loves it.

On Sunday I wasn't feeling very well so I laid in bed, watched movies and made jewelery for myself and maybe some to sell.

All in all, I completely enjoyed it!

Freeing Friday

I have been trying to post something all week but I have felt kind of negative the past few days. I wanted to wait until I felt better and more upbeat.

Today is freeing Friday and I have decided to get rid of all the negative catty feelings I have for an ex-friend. She used to be someone I could count on, trust and spend hours on end with. In the past year or so she has changed and I can no longer be around her. Every chance she gets she puts me down in some way. I don't need that in my life. I already battle with myself enough. I have found myself being catty about her and borderline mean which I think is a defense I have because I am hurt by how much she has changed. And I am hurt because she has pushed me away.

Today I am letting it go. I will remember our friendship fondly and leave it at that.

Any thing you want to free?

Freeing Friday

I have dubbed Fridays my freeing days in which I free things in myself. Today it is about self confidence. I lack it. I don't like myself sometimes. And I wish that I looked different sometimes. I have never thought I was pretty. I used to get called names in school and bully's called me ugly multiple times a day. That reeks havoc on a person.

People always say how much my daughter and I look a like. That maybe so. I think she is beautiful. But I don't see that in myself.

Today I am freeing the "you are ugly" from my vocabulary. I am 41 years old and it has gone on long enough.

Is there anything you want to free?

~hugs~
Wanda

My Make Up

There are little quirks we all have. I have a few but the ones that pull at me are my shyness and my low self esteem. To some of you I am not shy. But I truly am. I have canceled plans because I am scared or nervous. I don't go out a lot because I am afraid of what others will think. I hate these things and I am working them out slowly. Some times it helps to have someone or a team of someone's in your corner.

But for my friends who have reached out and pulled me in...thank you.

For the one who reached out to me again after some time - I love being your friend and I love how I feel so at ease with you. I look up to you because your calmness soothes me, your patience inspires me and just who you are makes you my role model. When I am "spazzing out" you ground me. I am so grateful that you pulled me in especially when I really needed someone.

For the one who is shy like me but doesn't show it to me at all. For all your encouragement and cheering me on I thank you. You are an ego booster.

For the friend I don't see very often- you make me feel good with your compliments. You are such a great person I don't think you even realize it. Even though I don't talk to you every day, every week - maybe once a month you know it's just like yesterday we spoke. And the things you have done to make me feel good about myself has not gone un-noticed. I hope to give you that in return.

For the friend who makes me laugh. Sometimes a good giggle is all I need. Just that is enough to cement our friendship.

For the friends who have re entered my life after some time. I have missed you. Even though I don't say it I am glad you are back in my life.

For the new friends who have come along recently - thanks for helping get me out of my shell.

To all of you - thank you for hanging in through my shyness, moods and all that comes with me.

Over And Over

I have restarted my blog over and over the last few months trying to find "me". In doing this I have learned that "me" is a bit of everything I have created. There will be posts about my past because that is what has molded me into what I am today. I love to laugh and have fun making others laugh.

Even at the age of 41 I am still learning how to pick my friends. There are some I need to leave behind but it is hard because I remember who they once were to me. But those days are over and it's time to move on.

I am jumping outside my box of shyness and actually reaching out to people. I've started a little group for women to get together once an month and meet new people. This Saturday is the first one and I am very excited!

The past year has brought a lot of new and exciting things for me. I have learned how I am as a clothing designer and where I want to go. While I love sewing for everyone my niche leans towards plus size women. Probably because I am plus size. My self esteem takes beatings every once in a while over that but I am trying to get over it. I know what I need to do and I know I need will power (I am a junk food addict...:(). I need the same willpower I used when I quit smoking, that was 1 1/2 years ago. I call myself a smoker still I just haven't had a smoke in 18 months.

I love movies so you will see reviews here. I do watch all different types of movies so it won't just be one genre.

I look forward to getting back into the groove of it all. I hope to see some old friends and make some new ones here.

Take care
Wanda

Introducing....She Used To Be Me

She At Ages 5 Thru 13 – Low self esteem, bullied on a daily basis, very sensitive, insecure in the love of her parents, not very many friends, shy, very skinny

She At Ages 13 And A Half 18 and 364 Days – A fun loving, carefree girl who loved life, loved to laugh, hopeless romantic, sensitive, patient, caring, future world traveling journalist, very skinny still, insecure sometimes.

She From Ages 19 To 23 And One Third – On the road to self destruction, low self esteem, in a bad marriage, slowly gaining weight and not caring, not caring about anything except her *Miracles*.

She From Ages 23 And One Third Until 40 And 364 Days – Learning to love her self, married to the love of her life, has a and loves her family very much, is secure in her parents, children's and husband's love (most days), diagnosed with Depression at 29 years old, fighting to overcome depression, overweight (according to the BMI – morbidly), low self esteem, creative, compassionate, a little lost at times.

Me Since February 20th, 2010 – A new outlook on life, acknowledging I will fight depression, self esteem and weight issues for a lot more years. BUT knowing I will fight and win out. It is time for ME to shine, time for ME to love myself, time for ME to work this shit out.


You will notice this is going to be written in fractions of time. There will be flashbacks so as to explain how I got to where I was. And how I am working to change. How I want to truly BE ME.

I am writing this as a healing journey for myself. This is in essence my self-discovery. I will be sharing intimate details of my life – some good – some not so good.

But this is for me. While I like feedback I do not like nastiness. I already have self esteem issues without someone from the peanut gallery dishing out the bad stuff. That being said I do welcome comments, questions, ideas, and compliments will warrant a mention on the blog – of course!

Tomorrow we begin the journey of healing and self discovery.